Hmmm so the results is going to be out in next 48hours and yeah I am just too scared.....Scared like hell...scared as if it's going to be the end of my world. I know I am being too silly to be so scared of this but can't really help it.
I am not so scared of Failure but something else that's associated with it. Failure isn't so bad but the people around us make it so worst for us. Yes our very own so called 'FRIENDS' and 'RELATIVES' make it so unbearable. Those who cleared these exams in the very first attempt don't really understand you. They simply think that you didn't study hard or they think themselves too smart. Your relatives start talking all sh*t about you and nothing can hurt you more when they start comparing you with their own sons or daughters who have succeeded. But no one can penetrate your heart so impregnable...no one can understand how hard you studied....no one can understand what you are worth and what you are capable of.
I failed twice till I could clear PCC. And now yet again I have failed twice in ca final. I cleared 2nd group last time (i.e May'12) and am waiting for 1st group results now. Every time I failed because I ran short of just few marks and I know there are many unfortunate ones like me who keep failing inspite of the tireless harwork. But the bitter truth is that the one who scores 400 is the hero and one who scores 390 is as good as zero.
I know of some people who scored exact 400 and yet they think those who scored 390s are good for nothing. Just few days back one of my school time friend (who qualified in the first attempt with exact 400 and even 40s in some papers) was talking about me with others. He said like "Ye Pathak to saala kuch bhi nahi kar paya...Saala bar bar fail ho jata hai". Of course when someone quoted me his comment, I felt really hurt and broken but then I laughed at his silly comment. I told my heart that life is too long still and who knows who will be where 20years hence. But this heart pinching comment still rings in my mind all the time and I got to prove him wrong one day.
You see Failure might not hurt so but when your own Friends start distrusting you and ignoring you it really aches our hearts.
I have failed several times by now but every time I failed, life taught me something what no books in this world could ever. My failures made me realise what this world really is...My failure showed me that who are my true friends.... My failure taught me that no one but my parents and brothers are my true friends.
My Failure brought out a poet in me and I penned down the following lines-
HAPLESS....HELPLESS.....HOPELESS...!
There's a tear in my eye,
As I know how hard did i try.
It's in vain if I do cry but,
But who's there to sympathise?
No one is there to understand my feelings
But everyone is there to crticise my doings.
Today I am amidst deadly despair,
For I could hardly prosper.
Even though my marks are not red,
But still something compels me to be blue.
It's true I could not succeed with flying colours,
But of my hardwork there's no clue.
Everyone doubts if I am capable
But who can penetrate this heart impregnable.
Even though my legs are on this ground,
I had dreams to trace the world around.
Even though I was never heedless,
Today I am hapless...hopeless...helpless...
Thus in this rat race many get ruined
For success is only for the chosen few.
Life is really tough at times and all we can do is to keep moving and that's what I am doing. I don't know what this 21st January has kept instored for me but all I know is that I got to keep chasing my dreams....I got to keep fighting.
Good Luck everyone.
Regards
ASHISH PATHAK
CAclubindia
