Law Jokes

A bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man in the world that it offered $1,000 to anyone who could beat him in one task. The bartender squeezed a lemon until all the juice ran out. Anyone who could get a drop of juice out of it after the bartender was done would win the $1,000. Many strong people tried and failed. One day a scrawny man came into the bar wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He squeaked, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the rind to the man, who to everyone's amazement, squeezed six drops into the glass. Stunned, the bartender paid up, and then asked the man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack? A weight lifter?" "Nope," the man replied. "I'm an attorney for the IRS."

A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. The lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars. The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed. "If you do that, I can guarantee that you will lose the case." Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client. The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad that you didn't send those cigars to the judge?", the partner asked. "Oh, but I did send them," replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the plaintiff's lawyer's business card!"

A pedestrian was standing on the sidewalk when he saw a funeral procession. The procession had two hearses, followed by a man walking a dog. Directly behind the man was a single-file line of at least two hundred people. Curious, the pedestrian followed the man walking the dog and asked what was going on. The man with the dog replied that the first hearse contained his ex-wife's lawyer. The pedestrian asked how the man died, and was told that the dog had bitten the lawyer and two days later the man had died. The pedestrian then asked about the second hearse, whereupon the man with the dog explained that he was the lawyer who had represented his business partner in a long and vicious business breakup. The man went on to explain that the other lawyer, too, had been bitten by the dog, and had died two days later. The pedestrian pondered this information for a minute, then whispered in the dog owner's ear, "Say, would you mind if I borrowed your dog for a while?" Without missing a step, the dog owner replied, "Okay by me fella, but you're gonna have to wait your turn in line like everyone else."