How to kill a Lion - Banking style?
HSBC Method:
Hire a lion. Give him full rest & make him lazy, Pay him more than
his expectation, never ask him to do any work for six months, after
six months tell him that now you have to fullfil your yearly target
within six months otherwise u will be kicked out from the jungle. Lion
dies due to fear, that if he loses this lazy animals jungle where he
will go.
ICICI method:
Hire a lion. Give him hell lot of work and pay him lower salary than
his politically astute peers. Restructure his job, position, boss,
colleagues, designation, department, salary, location every 6 months.
Remove all lions above 40 from the organisation by giving those VRS.
If he kills 2 goats a day, give him target of killing 20 elephants a
day, when there are just 10 elephants in the jungle. Lion dies of
exhaustion, overkill and restructuring.
HDFC method:
Hire a lion and ask him to meow like a cat. Give him lots of ESOPs
and grass to eat. He will die eventually of hope and starvation.
Citibank method:
Hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't
score 90% he will lose the job. Ask him to extract 60 kg meat out of a
40kg goat. Lion dies of the strain.
ABN AMRO method:
Hire the lion. Give him high impossible targets and expect a
premature delivery of these targets. If the targets are delivered,
clap for him in a town hall and if not delivered humiliate him
regularly. Lion either dies of excitement or starts behaving like Tom
Hanks in Terminal.
StanChart method:
Hire a lion; motivate him to outshine other lions in the jungle. Load
him with impractical targets and if he finds the prey, ensure jackals
in the jungle snatch the prey and the lion dies in oblivion......
Kotak method:
Hire a lion; load him with targets to focus on value instead of
volume. Every quarter change the style and make his life miserable. If
he survives in the system reward him with a hefty bonus.
RBI Method:
Hire a lion and give him a 3000 page circular on how to kill a goat.
Amend the circular at least three times a day. Send him on inspection
to the jungle, where he can threaten to cancel the hunting license of
any fox, wolf, bear, jackal etc who have violated any provision of the
3000 page circular. Lion dies of boredom.
SBI Method:
Recruits a lion, gives him the power of mouse. Lion dies of over
expectation and no results.............
IDBI method:
Recruits a lion, Give him posting among cats.People call him manager
but he is actually a clerk. Expect to work as allrounder.Lion dies in
frustration or escape to another jungle.
Deutsche Bank Method:
Hire a Lion. Tell him that you need to work most of the day & half
the night. Also tell him that all the Lions in the jungle are doing it
& he shouldnt mind doing it. Tell him that the work he does would make
him king, even though he would be paid like a pauper. Change the look
of the jungle twice in a year & tell him there's a new challenge for
him, although the animals & trees in the jungle remain the same (beats
me.......what's the challenge). Give the Lion some irrationaly
motivational talks & tell him to wait till the grass turns blue in the
jungle.
Lion dies waiting.
Best Regards
CAclubindia
