Gone to Heaven
There once was an accountant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation.
One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an accountant make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the accountant. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven"
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the accountant in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the accountant found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow accountants that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The accountant was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven."
So the accountant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."
The accountant paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the accountant went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the accountant, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "That's because yesterday you were a recruit, but today you're staff."
A man walking along a country road comes across a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a while and then says, "Tell you what, I'll bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that flock."
The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big mob and he can't see how anyone could guess correctly so he says, "OK. You're on."
"Nine hundred and thirty two," says the man.
The farmer takes off his hat and scratches his head. "I don't know how you did it but that's exactly right. A bet's a bet. Take any sheep."
The man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer says, "Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your occupation."
The man thinks, "How would he know, he's never met me before" and says "Right. You're on".
The farmer says, "You're an auditor with a Big Six firm."
The man whistles. "How the heck did you know that?"
"Well," says the farmer, "put my dog down and I'll tell you."
The Parrot
An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant.
"Well," replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits."
"How much does the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant.
"That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts".
The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"
The Three Partners
Three partners in an accounting firm go out to lunch. They are the audit partner, the tax partner and the senior partner. One of them sees a brass lamp lying in the gutter. Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a genie appears.
"You know the deal," says the genie. "Three wishes. But seeing there are three of you, you can have one wish each."
"Great," says the audit partner. "Take me to Hawaii, give me a blonde and an endless supply of condoms and leave me there for ever."
Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.
"Now me," says the tax partner. "Take me to the Fiji Islands, give me two blondes and an endless supply of offshore tax schemes and leave me there for ever."
Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.
The genie turns to the senior partner. "And what do you want?"
To which the owner replies "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."
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