An abused child touching letter

Dear mummy,

       I’m writing this letter to you in the hope that you will one day read it and come back to us. Daddy says it’s no use since you’ve gone to heaven and can never return from there, but I still think you will. At least, I hope you will. I remember you telling me once that nothing is impossible if you try hard enough. You just need to try harder mummy.

I have been counting days since you left. 11 months and 4 days. I’m better at math now, as I remember to do my homework like you always wanted me to. I’m sorry I was lazy with you sometimes. Daddy is much more strict. Yesterday I was slow, so he got angry and punished me by hitting each finger of my hand - one for every sum I got wrong. I tried hard not to cry, but it hurt so much that I couldn’t stop. And this made dad even angrier. So, he locked me up in my room without dinner and left me in the dark for a long time. I was shivering mummy. I kept calling for you but you never heard.

Daddy says I’m a bad boy, and that I’m not as smart as I should be. He says I take too long at everything. I also fall over and drop things, and dad doesn’t like it if I’m clumsy. How do you become a smart boy mummy ? I want to be clever like jonny so daddy can be proud of me, and not hurt me anymore. I’m so scared of his hands: they are big and powerful and when they hit, I cannot breathe.

I get very scared at night now and it makes me wet myself in my sleep. I don’t know why it happens. Maybe, it's because I see terrible things in the dark, and even if I close my eyes, they are still there. I have bad thoughts about you too. I imagine a dark ugly monster hitting you and then eating you up. You won’t let him, will you? Daddy hates it when I wet the sheets. That’s when he twists my ears so hard they don’t stop hurting and hits me with his special belt till I get bruises on my back. He says if I tell anyone, he will kill me. Will he really? Last time I wet myself, he made me sleep in the dirty bed for two days, after which I had to wash the sheets myself. It was very hard mummy.

Why doesn't daddy love me? It seems whatever I do upsets him. He told me that it’s because of me that you got sick and left us, and that I am a horrid boy who was never wanted by anyone. Is that true mummy? Am I really horrid? And did I make you go away….tell me please? Because I didn’t mean to and I promise to be good now. I promise to wash my hands before meals, and never to ask for treats again. Daddy says treats spoil children anyway.

I’m so scared of being left alone mummy. Especially in the dark. I’ve asked Santa to bring you to me for Christmas, so you can cuddle me at night the way you used to. Do you think Santa can do that? My teacher says he can, so I’ll be waiting. I miss you so much mummy…especially your soft voice and the way you used to smile at me. No one smiles at me because no one loves me anymore. Please come back. Please don’t let me be with daddy alone. Please don’t let anyone ever hurt me again!

yours, xx