The day before the result. Unexpectedly I was calm, was with friends, had fun with them and saw a nice movie in cinema hall, came at night, and the butterflies started waking up. Telling me how can you possibly sleep?
Still, somehow passing time on whatsapp and FB, somehow convinced my eyes to droop.. friends were nervous, I was trying not to be but somewhere deep down, I was not stable.. the D day was about 12 hours away.
I without worrying much, having low mood, slept that was one morning I wished never dawned. I couldn’t summon the sun to go back.. I couldn’t summon time to go back.. to go 2-3 months back.. couldn’t summon my past to study bit harder, to not to leave few pages, chapters for option.. I couldn’t do anything about anything.
I had to wake up.. lazily, I go up at 9 in dull morning.. that morning was different.. that morning was definitely low, dull and cheerless, and being January, more damp .. it was as if morning was mourning about its own death.. I wished I was dead instead.
The feeling you have before results is like; that you know you are going to die for sure, its just you don’t know exactly when and how.. Its like opening the internet browser to welcome Yamraj! "Aa Yamraj, mujhe maar!’
And I sipped my tea on bed lazily.. even the tea could not lift my mood.. yes, yes and yes.. for sure all the people in the world who know you kinda well and know the results are about to come, will definitely message or call you! Yes, these are the same people who’ll not wish you or remember your birthday but will remember your exam dates and result date!
The series of calls started and messages and whatsapp started to glow.. Few who called were also in similar situation like me..even it was their result day.. the fear, tension, nervousness was clear in both of our voices.. but we were laughing it off and motivating to gather enough courage to face it.. the code was set, ‘I’ll call you if the result is positive.. if I don’t , samaj lena nahi hua’.
Another cartoon friend called and wished good luck and I wished him the same. He said the result will be declared at noon but I won’t check it by night! He said he doesn’t wanna be pressurized or too curious about the results.. what could I say? I wished him good luck and said bye. He was the same person who used to message me around 2 or 3 in the night! The message used to read ‘ Hey Niraj, wassup?’ or on some situations at 4am, ‘Niraj, hows studies going on?’ or ‘How much portion covered?’.. Yes, he wanted to show-off, he wanted to declare he studies late at night, whole night and blah blah.. I managed to be unperturbed and ignore it fully.
Those memories of his trying to harass or compete with me got disturbed when another friend called. He was jigri friend, already cleared a group and was very hopeful to be a Chartered Accountant in next few hours. His excitement mixed with nervousness could tell me everything. How much can a result mean to a person. How much does it impact one’s life? I truly prayed for him in heart. His parents had also come down in Pune just for his results. To be with him, eitherways. Just in case he passes, to be with him at his happiest moment. And to be with him as a support in case he doesn’t make it through.
I was alone. No one in my flat. Neither did I tell my parents or brother that today it is my result. In my number of attempts, I never told them about my result dates. I always felt, these studies, this career, these pain and all curiosity and nervousness belongs to me and only I own it. Thus, I as usual didn’t speak about exact date of results.
The day was moving slow. You can actually feel it is moving slow, or somehow you wish it goes slow. After thinking about the results date for months, right from the day it is declared on Institute’s website, then to few weeks thinking next Monday by this time the results and our fates will be out. Then to the last day i.e. tomorrow and then you are actually breathing on the D day.. months grew into weeks, weeks grew into days and now day was growing tick-tock tick-tock into hours.
Around 10am another jigri friend messaged on whatsapp.
"How can you not be bothered, my heartbeat toh upar neeche" .. She said. I was nervous I had to accept but not curious or too excited about the result. I was like, leave it, I’m gonna flunk atleast one group. I was hoping atleast one group should get cleared or atleast an exemption or so.
"I am hoping but I’m not expecting" I replied.
This was the biggest truth which had dawned upon me. NEVER TO EXPECT. Expectations hurt. In careerwise or personally too. Hope on the other hand is like the silver lining. Hope can make you happy and optimistic. Expectations carries its weight around, it bogs you down unnecessarily.
"I don’t know to be nervous or be excited, but definitely not at peace" she worriedly said.
That was the condition of thousands at that time and I was not an exception. Knowing the death will strike in few hours was not so easy to bear with. I somehow trying to cheer her and thus self-motivate me too said .. " Think of it this way.. nahi hua the one is prepared for it.. but agar ho gaya then it’s the biggest surprise of the world, biggest unexpected khushi!"
"Agar pata hai pass honge toh surprise thodi hai? Ussme kuch maja nahi.. Passing should be like sacred gift from God"
She felt nice I guess and tried to crack few jokes just to feel at ease.
After the chat, just to distract myself started watching movie on laptop. An hour passed and another jigri –cum-cartoon friend messaged me on whatsapp "Its come.." . It was around 11am. The result was supposed to be declared at noon. But we all were aware and habituated about timeliness of result declaration. To be frank, after reading his message, meri toh lag gayi :P
I said "ok.. " . I was in no hurry to check the results. That jigri-cum-cartoon friend called me in 2 minutes. He said "Sorry yaar, that result declared was of last attempt! I thought it is of your current attempt!"
I had no words to say but smile and pronounce him as "Kutryaa, phukat ka tension diya na.. will tell you result when it is actually out.."
Pheww.. that was close I thought.. its gonna be same feeling in an hour I thought. It was kinda mock test of "aapko iss waqt kaisa mehsus ho raha hai ?" ; anyways I tried to concentrate on the movie.
At the stroke on mid-day, when the whole world is awake, I shall sleep to martyrdom I thought. It was precisely 11:58am when the jigri messaged "Its come.." . She wouldn’t be lying I knew. It was almost noon I knew. This is what I cant escape, I knew that too..
Dhak – dhak – dhak – dhak – dhak – dhak…. And the first phone rang..
"Niraaaaajjjj!! I cleared!! I’m CA!!" … I couldn’t believe it.. I was so happy for my jigri friend. He had cleared and ofcourse he had his parents around him to celebrate. I congratulated him and promised to meet in few hours to celebrate.
I could only reply "I haven’t checked it yet re.. will check in some time and will let you know definitely whatever it is.."
Another friend called who had already cleared CA Final.. "Kya hua?" he asked. "I haven’t checked it yet yaar.. Will message you soon.."
Junior articles from office called up.. "Kya hua?" as if they are asking about some delivery of ladka hua ya ladki.. I said "Not checked man, will let you know in some time". The whole world wanted to know about my result even before myself. I just wanted to breathe. I couldn’t login on that site. That site which was going to scare me to death in some time.
My jigri friend messaged , she didn’t clear.. DHAK –DHAK – DHAK – DHAK… The pace and beats and noise grew louder in my heart I guess. One jigri passed and other didn’t. What will be my fate? I wished that very moment I shouldn’t have even existed to be in such place.
The messages and phones grew and I couldn’t gather courage to visit that site.
Over a period of years and lots of happenings there are chances of you being superstitious. I remember during PE-1 exams I used to brush with same toothpaste when there were 2 toothpastes around. During PE-2 exams, my friend wore the same yellow T-shirt for all 8 papers! I guess his first paper had gone great wearing that yellow tee and thus the following. And my superstition grew strong when all of my positive results were told to me by my friends Over Phone! During PE-1 result when results were checked on netcafes since personal internet connection was rare and costly, one of my friend’s friend was in net café and was checking result for everyone. This was accidental that I was amongst my friends and that guy in net café conveyed us my positive result.
Same with PE-2 .. both groups differently by different people on phone accidentally!!!!! That was because both these friends in separate attempts were sitting close to me in exam halls and knew my roll number. They had themselves called to let me know about my positive result.
Also, in May 2012 attempt when the result wouldn’t open normally on the website but some alteration on the URL needed to be done, one of my friend called. I gave him my roll number and doing some magic trick with the URL he said I got and exemption in one of the subjects! That was accidental too!
There was going to be no accident this time. I had to conduct some accident myself. So, the earlier night I messaged my roll number to one of the friend Abhijeet who also happened to be same person who had phoned me about clearing one group in PE2. My chances were strong as it was the same person and similar situation. Even Abhi was awaiting his CA Final results.
I messaged him on whatsapp immediately at noon.. "Its come.. check it.." he didn’t reply for 5 minutes. I grew impatient. I saw that the message wasn’t delivered. I called him up. He said "Kya hua? "Arre lag gaya result !" I said.. "Haa kya.. I was watching movie too re.. now on climax, will get over in 10 minutes.. will check the result then.." We both started laughing like anything. We were the most coolest and carefree when the whole world outside was burning. I said fine, no problem.. Call me when you check it.
And during those longest 10 minutes I was occupying myself with my some movie and phone which was keeping me busy too. I had only one answer. I haven’t checked it yet! Will let you know once I do.
People were passing and failing and I was getting updated and interrogated too during those 10 minutes. I was on stake or on bet I don’t know. I was wondering if my result would ever be betted upon. None would bet on me clearing both groups I thought.
Abhi called at 12:20 pm if I remember correctly. That name flashing on my mobile screen. That call , that moment is indescribable. Till the time I could receive his call few other jigris friends had flunked. The status didn’t seem good I thought. They all were waiting for my result. I picked up his call to let it strike
me. And he said, "pin code saang na?" (Tell me the pin code). My breath grew heavy and told him the code.. he was inputting it.. my heart, my brain, my body were all concentrating listening his typing on the keyboard. My ears were the only alive part in my body I felt. It was on those ears the news would fall. He said some dialogue box has come… something about placements.. I was quizzed and didn’t know what to respond.. and then he said, "Nirjyaaa you passed! Both groups together, aaila marks are awesome.. Mafa 62 and Isca 70!"
Those were the most magical, touching and life changing words I had ever heard in my life. In excitement and choked voice I shouted rather in disbelief I asked him thrice whether its actually true. That please don’t joke and that its impossible. He understood the joy which filled me and consoled me assuring yes that its true! I was indebted to him at that very moment and always will be. Unfortunately he didn’t clear and that was not so soothing for either of us. But to give away the news of my passing must have made his day as well. I told him I still don’t believe him and that I’ll check myself on that site.
I was never so happy and still bit skeptical to put my roll number on site. And yes, it was true!. I cleared CA Final and I screamed happily with rush of tears in my eyes. The calls were flowing and I could only say "Yes. I’m CA". For continuous 2 hours I was attending phone calls. I had to sit next to electric socket charging the phone. As if the electricity was giving life to my mobile and the phone calls were giving me; life. My life literally transformed without even warning me. Yes, it was a sacred gift. I felt truly liberated. My soul was free. It took me a week’s time believing it had actually happened. I looked at those books and smiled. Is it really over? Are you kidding me? It is actually over? It can be over? my mind kept on asking me this I could only smile and think yes, it is finally over. Finally, through all the twists and turns and highs and lows, IT IS OVER.. The Vetaal of Vikram-Vetaal has freed me I felt. My shoulders were suddenly strong and I wasn’t bogging down anymore. It was almost a week’s celebration and feeling which took time to sink in. I had the feeling what now?. The feeling you have when you finish a beautiful book, or you read/watch all harry potter or F.r.i.e.n.d.s series. It’s hard to believe that it is over.
So many relatives and so many people called and were truly happy for the long due success. It was after clearing that I realized this was so huge. Yes, I had come out of it finally. Happily I changed my details on Twitter and LinkedIn from CA Final to just CA! It gave me a sense of pride and power.
My many jigris cleared and few couldn’t. That is the other part of success. You can’t completely enjoy it. Rather you don’t wanna enjoy it as you are thrown ahead and away from your jigris. You wish that had it been about passing, all from the friend circle should have passed. Sadly that doesn’t happen always and that’s the bitter truth of CA examinations.
They say ‘13’ is not lucky in some cases. It turns out that 13 will be most special year in my life. Ironically, it happened in 13!!
I’m not ashamed to disclose that it took me almost 8 years to finish off these studies, because even had it been 18 years, IT IS STILL WORTH IT ! Everything makes sense then. All the trouble, pain, hardship and patience make sense the day you are CA! So my friends who are close to clearing Final or stuck anywhere, please never ever give up. Only thing tested in this race is your patience. Just keep faith in yourself and time one day will give you your deserved success.
CA Niraj Mahajan
Pune
Follow https://twitter.com/nirajdmahajan
E: nirajdmahajan@gmail.com
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